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tuesday night subway
by kate levy
Over head, fluorescent lights shined brightly, making shadows on the green tiled walls. The cement floor seemed uninviting and harsh. As Gray walked down the tunnel he could feel a draft. He was sensitive to his surroundings as he stood waiting. He had so much on his mind, he could have been waiting for time alone to pass.
He looked up at the clock. It was a little before half past seven on a Tuesday night. Gray shivered as he let out a short sigh. He was alone here. The few people that passed him while he waited didn't seem real. They were only extras in his imaginary movie. Checking the clock again, Gray was disappointed to find it only one minute later. He was anxious to get home, in a way.
He was expecting a call that evening. A very important call that would change his life. Around 8 pm on that very Tuesday, his life partner, Brant, would find out his next assignment. By 8:20 pm, he would call Gray with the news. Gray could spend another six months with the love of his life, or alone in an apartment way too big for one person. He had stayed downtown doing some shopping with a friend to keep his mind off it, but now he had to go home and face whatever would be. He tried to laugh at what love had done to him... but he couldn't. He clutched his newspaper against his side and stood waiting.
At 7:32 exactly, the train pulled into the station with a mighty gust of wind. Gray walked into a car and sat down. Looking around he noticed he was alone. Most people had gone home directly after six. Just as the doors started to close, another man came in and sat down a few seats away. He was middle-aged with curly brown hair. Gray thought he looked like a very reserved, precise businessman that either had the worst day of his life or had been drinking after work. Judging by his actions and the time of his trip home, Gray decided the later was true.
The man looked at his watch almost obsessively until the car began to move. He then opened his briefcase, shuffled some papers, and closed it again. He sat staring straight ahead, sipping his coffee every now and then. Gray thought it was odd that the man had chosen a seat so close to him. That, and his briefcase was personalized with "MOM" on the top.
"What's MOM stand for?" Gray inquired.
"Huh?" The man looked out of his circle of thought.
"M-O-M."
"Oh. My name. It's Mel." He replied uneasily.
"Oh," was all Gray could think to say. He opened his newspaper and began to read. Mel went back to his thoughts.
The car stopped at Fort Thomas Station for about five minutes. During this time, Gray went back and forth between checking his watch and rereading the advertisements in the car.
Gray was nervous about getting home and what would happen. He talked when he was nervous. "One time, I was stuck in a subway station for a hour with no explanation." He remarked. "Finally they told us to get off and take the next train."
Mel looked over at him and shook his head slightly to acknowledge that he heard. Just as he opened his coffee to take a sip, the car jerked into motion. His coffee went flying and splattered over the top half of Gray's newspaper.
"Whoa... shoot!" Mel yelled.
"It's okay."
"I'm sorry about that."
"Hey, it's alright," Gray said as he poured the drips off the newspaper.
"Really. I'm sorry."
"Don't worry about it."
"Damn, I'm a klutz. Sorry." Mel was feeling pretty stupid and couldn't believe he made such a fool of himself to a complete stranger.
"Why? Did you do it on purpose? No. Then you're not sorry. People say 'I'm sorry' way too much. It starts to lose its meaning after awhile, you know?"
"Well, um, but I am sorry. I think I ruined your paper. I didn't mean to."
"But how sorry are you? It's not like you just knocked down my mailbox with your car. You just spilled some coffee. 'I'm sorry' is too broad."
"Well, I still am sorry I did that."
"There should be something else to say." Gray remarked after a pause, more to himself then Mel.
"Like what?"
"I don't know..." He thought about it. "I love you. People should say I love you instead of I'm sorry."
"Um, okay."
"Really, you think so?"
"No."
"Why'd you say okay, then?" Gray was feeling facetious.
"I don't know."
"Sure you do. Just think about it."
"I don't know. But saying I love you instead... that doesn't make sense."
"Sure it does, It's always nice to hear someone say they love you."
At this point, Mel was almost interested, but too caught up in his own thoughts. "I suppose you're right," he replied.
"It would mean a lot more than just mumbling out a sorry without meaning to your best friend after you've just heard that her dog got run over by a car and her brother left town yesterday."
Gray had finally found a way to get his only possible conversation partner to talk.
"But what does love have to do with someone else having a shitty day?" Mel started. "I love you and I'm sorry do not mean the same thing at all. In your little situation there, you don't love that person because her dog is dead and her brother is gone, but you feel bad that she's having a bad day. That's all. You're not loving her about it."
"You don't understand love, obviously." He was worn out by his companions ideas.
"I understand enough of it."
"Okay," Gray said without feeling, thinking he didn't want to continue talking with this companion. He'd rather ride the last 15 minutes in silence, watching the tunnel walls and various lights fly by. Love was something he needed to be concrete right now.
"But see, the truth is, it's not always nice to hear someone say they love you. Think about it." Mel wanted to continue the conversation. He only had reports from work to look over and the beers he downed after work were starting to take an affect on him. After a pause, he said "What if you don't return the feeling? Everything would be awkward after that."
"After what?" Gray replied slowly.
"After someone tells you they love you! Don't you think that would be a little bit uncomfortable?"
"Hmmm.. I suppose." He was uninterested.
"What about stalkers? I think hearing 'I love you' from the wrong person could scare the shit of me."
"You don't believe in love, do you?"
"Believe in it? Of course, but I doubt its loyalties. I view love as it applies to my life and experiences."
"Never mind."
The two rode in silence through several stations. Gray decided that his companion would have been deep in thought right now, but his blood-alcohol level stopped him from thinking straight. The fact that Mel was trying, but so obviously intoxicated, slightly amused Gray. He tried to stay focused on the subway and his confused companion, but he couldn't stop himself from worrying about that phone call.
"So, what do you do that you get off so late?" Gray asked, trying to make conversation again.
"I'm a medical lawyer," Mel said, looking over.
"But why were you in town so late?"
"I had a meeting with a client, actually. I've got a big case coming up about a doctor that sewed someone up with a clamp still inside them."
"Wow, how does something like that happen?" Gray was happy with this. Mel's story was distracting him from his own life.
"Well, the OR is pretty intense. Crazy stuff happens in there."
"Hmm... Does this sort of stuff happen often?"
"Not really."
"Oh."
"Yeah." Mel seemed to be in a better mood.
"So, where are you headed? Home?"
"Yep."
The train had almost reached Gray's stop. From there, he only had to walk a few blocks to his apartment and wait.
"Got a loving wife at home? Maybe a kid or two?"
"Yeah, I'm married. My first wife took the kids, though." Mel answered with just a touch of resentment. The train was slowing to a stop. "What about you?"
"I'm going home to my lover. Well, eventually," Gray replied and he walked out of the car.
Mel watched him walk up the stairs and disappear at the top. He picked up the wet newspaper and turned to the sports section as the train pulled out of the station.
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